Jokes & stories 

** Originally posted by SouthpawGrammer **

Wahooooo!!!!

now a joke

What does a fish smoke?

Sea weed

oh thats bad! :p

Cleanest joke I could find

You better laugh. It took me a week to find a clean urologist joke!!!!!!

Do you know what a urologists favorite winter activity is?

go down

keep going

your almost there


Writing their names in the snow!!!!!!!


XXXOOO

Tom



//

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Mary, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out there was a Traffic Warden writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said "Oh come on, can't you give a pensioner a break?" He ignored me and carried on writing out the ticket. I called him an "arsehole". He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.

So Mary called him a "shithead". He finished the second ticket and stuck it on the windscreen...

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not about to risk breaking a hip.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and
a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a
condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mabel: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mabel! : You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The e pharmacist,...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's ten best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's ten best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

A very arrogant oncologist, Dr. Stoneheart, dies and goes straight to He!!. On arrival the Devil says, "I'm going to give you three choices, which is more than you ever gave your patients. Whichever door you choose will be how you'll spend eternity."

So the doctor opens the first door and sees a mob of people sitting on a floor covered with spikes. He goes to the next door and sees a humongous crowd of sinners lying down in maggots. At the third door, there is a throng of people chatting happily and drinking coffee, although they are up to their knees in manure.

"Thank God,"...

- Emily Hollenberg, Cancer Survivor

10. Even though he/she is wearing a white lab coat and not a military uniform, words like battle, fight, war and weapons are frequently used in the conversation.

9. You know that your doctor is an oncologist at a medical center when he/she uses "oma" words like carcinoma, lymphoma and melanoma instead of cancer.

8. He/she tries to explain to you why a low grade is better than a high grade on your path report. (I could have used that approach explaining my grades to my parents.)

7. He/she wants you to be excited when...

An Irishman named Mike O'Leary went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Mike in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have a cancer known as Galloping Leukemia and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a month." Mike, who was shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son, who had been waiting.

Mike said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so...

Ten Positive Things about Not Having Hair
- Emily Hollenberg,

10. Your hair never gets out of control.

9. You can save a lot of money on shampoo, hair cuts, perms, dye jobs and body waxing.

8. If you go to the bowling alley and there is a long wait for a lane, just put your turban on, place your bowling ball in front of you and charge for fortune reading.

7. If you walk through the airport without your wig and in your bathrobe, people will give you money. The best airport according to my sources is San Francisco.

6. The shower and the...

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A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers...

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,
"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer
jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the
picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle
spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the...

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
With a smile, nearly laughing,...

Moped vs Fararri

An elderly man on a Moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to a doctor at a stop light.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya` got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"

"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 220 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.

So the old man pokes his...

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... she has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really...

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there each day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up...

This ritual between him and the hooker became an almost daily occurrence.

She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!" And he'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

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Two little old ladies, Doris and Jackie, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Jackie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show!"

"You're on!" said Doris, holding up a $10.00 bill.

So Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front...

aaahhhhh....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!.......

Location: Southern California

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing....

Thought you might enjoy this! :)Betsy

police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely...

I heard a joke and thought we all needed a laugh. Mom the cancer pt laughed hysterically.

Betty and Helen have been best friends for years. They played high school and college softball together. Betty was on her death bed and Helen asked, "Betty can you do me one favor when you die? Send me a sign as to whether there is softball in heaven." "Sure Helen." Betty replies. A few days later Betty passes away. Two weeks go by and Helen is home. The lights start flickering, and the door slams! Helen hears a whisper, "Helen." "Betty is that you?" Helen asks. "Yes it's me and I have good news...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says..."Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde...

For my 50th birthday, my husband purchased a week of personal training . . .
. . . at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday: Started...

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Minnie & Mrs. Brown tv shows clips
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YtKtcedZzY&feature=autoplay&list=PLDB5F3FAF8DA776B6&lf=results_video&playnext=2

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NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises
of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair
and now....the wax. Read on..........
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,
fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for
the next few hours: 'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the
medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting...

...

The bride lies naked in bed on her honeymoon night while her husband stands in his dressing gown at the bedroom window, gazing up at the starry heavens and muttering about the beauty of the constellations and the splendour of shooting stars.
After half an hour, she whispers: “Come to bed, darling.”
“No way,” he says. “My mum and dad said that this would be one of the best nights of my life, and I’m not going to miss a single minute of it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A family have gone over to America for their holidays. They go for a drive in a National Park to have a look at the bears and get some snaps for the photo album. However, once they hit the forest, they immediately get lost and drive for hours without seeing another human being let alone a bear.
Eventually they see a road signpost in the distance and drive towards it.
"What's the sign say?" asks mum.
"It says ‘Bear Left'," says one of the kids.
"Ah bugger," says dad. "Well if the bear's gone, we may as well go home."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I apologise if these have been posted before. I was looking back over funny emails I have received and couldn't help posting this! Enjoy....................

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing cricket without a box.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving...

Subject: MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY!!!

Artery-----------------The study of paintings
Bacteria---------------Back door of the cafeteria
Barium----------------What doctors do when their patient dies
Bowel-----------------A letter like A, E, I, O, U
Cesarean Section------A neighborhood in Rome
Cat Scan--------------Searching for the kitty
Cauterize--------------Made eye contact with her
Colic------------------A sheep dog
Coma-----------------A punctuation mark
D & C----------------Where Washington is
Dilate------------------To...

How to be a Gracious Beotch....
Jennifer's Wedding Day was fast approaching and nothing could dampen her mood - not even her Parent's nasty Divorce. Her Mother had found the Perfect dress and was going to be the most Beautiful Mother-of-the-Bride ever!

A week later she was horrified to learn that her Father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her Mother.....Jennifer asked her to exchange it but she refused. "Absolutely not!" she said "I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it!"

Jennifer told her Mother who said "Never...

Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'
'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. !
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to...

God's Coffee

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said:

"If you noticed, all...

The Pentagon announced today, the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the U.S. Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These Southern Boys will be dropped in Afghanistan knowing only these facts about the terrorists - 1. The Season opened today 2. There is no limit 3. They taste just like chicken 4. They don't like Country music or Jesus 5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Afghanistan to be over by the weekend...... ♥ Viktory

Subject: WEare awesome!!! Fri Sep 16, 2011 4:49 pm
WE ARE AWESOME!!!!!

OUR LIFE IS LIVING PROOF!!!!





To Those of Us Born 1930 - 1979
At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno.

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to...

Subject: TakeMeBackToTheFifties Thu Sep 15, 2011 6:12 pm
http://objflicks.com/TakeMeBackToTheFifties.htm

Too old to squat!

Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. She said...

An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says, "Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die kuhe und die schweine haben in ihm geschissen," (i.e., "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs shit in it.")

The guy shouts back, "Hey, this is America! I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, you moron."

The farmer says, "Use two hands, you'll get more."